Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The House Pet Chronicles
The family was always close. They did everything together, and forged many memories that would last a lifetime. Living in a modest home, they maintained a house full of harmony, love and animals. These animals, consisting of two dogs, two cats and a parakeet, were very much loved by the family and were well taken care of.
Unbeknownst to the family, their pets had also grown close to each other. When the family retired for the night, it was prime time for the animals to come out and commiserate.
"Ugh. I feel like crap," said the doberman that came swaggering into the living room. He was a decent-sized dog, but smaller for a doberman.
"You have no idea," echoed a voice from underneath the couch. A black cat lay there with his belly up and his eyes closed.
"What, exhausted from a long day of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?!" yelled the doberman.
"Mate, I've been up since sunrise. I spent all morning partitioning up my food rations to last me the whole month, and I got chased around ALL DAY by the children."
"I'm not impressed."
"C'mon, mate, I've been a bit hard-pressed lately. Give a man the benefit of the doubt."
"Okay, first of all, quit saying 'mate,' you're not Australian. Second, you're not a man, you're a cat. And third, you're life is not NEARLY as hectic as mine, so don't complain."
"But I want to live in Australia..."
"WHY?!" bellowed the doberman. "America is so much better in every way."
"Oh yeah?" replied the cat. "Despite the failing economy, ridiculed presidency, a lazy population, and not to mention a supreme lack of Tim-Tams, tell me WHY America is better than Australia."
The doberman hesitated.
"...Sports..." he muttered.
"Is that all you care about? And how is your life more hectic than mine? Too many tennis balls for you to retrieve?"
"What's all the bickering about?" said a bloodhound that trotted past, completely bent on getting an evening snack.
"Oh, you know, just having our usual 'crush the cat's dreams' conversation. Nothing important." the cat replied.
A howl came from the kitchen.
"WHOOOO ATE ALL MY FOOD?!" yelped the bloodhound. "I specifically designated those last dog biscuits as mine, and someone ATE THEM!"
"Eeeemmmmmmm...." moaned the doberman, "I'm... sorry?"
"You would, you lousy mutt." mumbled the bloodhound.
"I was actually apologizing for that stupid red cat, I blame it all on him. Speaking of which, where the fetch is he?" said the doberman, as he trotted over to look out an open window.
"Probably out swooning some poor, defenseless siamese cat to be his mate," said the black cat, "and I don't mean it in the Australian sense."
"I heard that," said the red cat, hopping through the easy-access hole in the door. "I am offended that my friend and kin would think so unfavorably of me."
"That WAS what you were doing though, wasn't it." replied the black cat.
"WHO do you think I am?" he snapped in retaliation. "I am not some kind of ravenous beast that you take me for."
The black cat sneered. "The evidence is stacked against you, my friend."
All of the animals had convened at this point into the living room, sprawled out in various animal positions, extremely comfortable.
"I don't understand you," said the black cat to the red. "How do you get all of these women?"
"I don't," he replied, "in fact I have no idea what you're talking about."
"What about indifference?" the bloodhound piped in. "That always seems to work well for you."
"Yeah, if you want to attract some siamese nut-job." said the red cat with disdain.
"Mate, siamese cats are all good. Just because you just got dumped by one doesn't mean they're all nuts." said the black cat.
"THEY'RE ALL INSANE!" yelled the red cat, flopping onto the couch.
"I need a girlfriend..." muttered the doberman.
"Don't we all." said the black cat, rolling over onto his stomach and giving a large yawn.
"Yeah the ladyfriend situation has been bad for all of us." said the doberman. "All of us, except bloodhound boy and that fetchin parakeet up there." beckoning to the bird cage next to the couch.
"I don't know what it is with that guy, but he can sure land himself a good woman." said the red cat. "Hey bird-boy!" he yelled towards the cage.
He was greeted with the sound of ruffling feathers. "Yeeeeeees?" the parakeet replied.
"How's your love life?" yelled the doberman.
"Pretty good, that one girl that wanted nothing to do with me had a major turnaround, so we've been seeing each other pretty often." he chirped. "I guess I can't complain."
"This is what astounds me about that bird," said the black cat. "The family NEVER lets him out of that cage. Even if they did, he has his wings clipped so he can't fly anywhere. How is it, then that he meets all of these women? The laws of physics clearly do now allow that bird from leaving that cage, going out of the house and meeting a significant other."
All of the animals pondered for a moment. How the parakeet was ever able to meet somebody and maintain a relationship was beyond them.
"Any other questions?" the bird said eventually, "because I'm kinda busy and need to get back to work."
The animals eyed each other with complete astonishment. "Uh, nothing else, man. You get back to doing... whatever it is you do up there." said the red cat.
"Thanks." replied the bird, hopping back into the middle of the cage.
"So, what are we doing tonight?" said the bloodhound after the brief pause.
"We?!" said the red cat in astonishment. "You mean your woman isn't coming over tonight?"
"Nope. She is going to DC for the weekend, which means I have plenty of time to watch movies and play video games with you guys."
The doberman looked up. "Um, do you remember what happened the last time we tried to play video games?"
"Yeah, you left all those fetchin' teeth marks on the Wii controller." said the black cat, now rolling out from underneath the couch.
"Oops," replied the bloodhound. "Well, if video games are out, what are we gonna do?"
"Go to sleep?" said the black cat.
"Gladly." muttered the doberman, his voice muffled by an over-sized pillow
There was a brief pause. After a few moments, the red cat piped up.
"I guess we can do what we always do, and go to the window and yell obscenities at unsuspecting animals."
"Yeah I could use some of that," said the black cat.
"Wahoo!" barked the bloodhound.
The doberman laid quiet on his giant pillow, face buried into oblivion.
"Hey, you comin'?" said the red cat.
"Yeah, alright," he finally replied. "If that freaking wiener dog is out in his backyard, I have a few choice words for him."
And all the animals of the house, in friendship and harmony, went to the window and heckled hapless animals together. Not a care in the world was found among them.
Posted by Adam McNevin at 9:50 PM