Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The House Pet Chronicles, Part 3

It was late, but the living room was alive with commotion from the house pets.  It was fall again, and things were starting to get a little colder outside, so the house pets found themselves inside longer every day.  But they didn't mind, for the coming of fall meant the approach of coveted "sitting around time."

The animals were enjoying the company of a new addition to the group; the family had recently purchased a ferret by request of one of the daughters, and she loved him very much.  She wasn't around too often, though, which made the ferret a bit sad, but he was always enlivened by his new friends.

At what seemed to be some unholy hour, the red cat stumbled in, looking a little beat.

"Holy fetch mate," said the black cat, "What happened to you?  Did you get mugged?"
"Yeah, did you get raped or something?" inquired the bloodhound, sitting comfortably in his special indentation on the couch.
"Hmmm...," muttered the red cat.  "I was at... the library."
"The library, or the library?" asked the black cat with a sneer.
"I think you know which," spat the red cat, already fed up with the conversation.  The library was a reference to more carnal activities involving one of the opposite gender.
"You're always home late nowadays," said the ferret.  "I guess if my woman was around I would do the same thing."

The black cat looked up.  "Were.  If your woman were around.  Subjunctive mood bro."
"You know what, you're... you're really impossible you know that?" replied the ferret.
"Yeah enough with the whole subjunctive mood crap you dirty rat," sneered the red cat.  "If I wasn't such a nice guy I would slap you silly!"
"Weren't!" yelled the black cat.
"Gaaahhhhhhh!" groaned the red cat, flopping on the couch.

The ferret, noticing his disheveled appearance, asked "You haven't... you know, knocked her up have you?"
"Heck no, bro," replied the red cat.  "I may not have a lot of self control, but I do have more than that fetchin doberman ever did."

All the animals sighed and bowed their heads.  A few months prior, the doberman impregnated his girlfriend, a poodle.  The owners of the poodle insisted that the doberman stay with them, so he could be there with his offspring.  When the family heard of this, they were angry, but consented to let their doberman go.  They compensated by buying the ferret.

"It's alright," said the bloodhound.  "That bum ate all of my food."
"We all suffered from his pilferage," said the red cat.  "Now he can sponge off of that poodle."

All the animals laughed in unison.  Their laughter was brought to an abrupt halt, however, when a pug trotted by into the kitchen.  The family was temporarily looking after him for another family on vacation, but the house pets didn't take kindly to him.

"Man, that pug pisses me off," said the red cat.  "All he does is eat smelly food and invite his weird girlfriends over all the time."
"And he keeps on using my dishes!" exclaimed the ferret.
"And he hogs the TV!!!" yelled the black cat, throwing his little paws into the air.  "Before he came here, we had peace.  We had serenity.  And we had order.  And now look we got!  Complete and total douchebaggedry!!!"

"Nice word," muttered the bloodhound.

The house pets sat around, disgruntled.  None made a sound until the pug left the kitchen, humming some strange tune to himself.  The black cat rolled his eyes when he walked by.

"Well, at least we have each other," piped up the parakeet from his cage.  "If it wasn't for you guys, I would totally hate living here."

The black cat hesitated, "Weren't..."

"SHUT UP!" they all yelled in unison.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The House Pet Chronicles, Part 2

A voice resonated from the television.

"...Boy, has it been interesting this season or what?  I mean, so much has happened in football, I don't even know where to begin."
"First let's talk about this new 'Tebow Nation' phenomenon.  What is goin on here?  What is..."

"...Hey, you will not believe what happened to me today."

A female voice broke the glazed stare of the doberman.  Slightly irritated by this interruption, he uttered a grunt in response.  The voice came from a poodle, a particularly attractive one at that, with whom the doberman was currently spooning.

"Well, I was sunbathing in my backyard, the usual, when all of a sudden I was cat called by a weinerdog!  I mean, who in their right mind..."

The doberman was immediately distracted by the television.

"...And what about those 49er's?  Alex Smith is looking at a difficult season this year..."
The doberman was hooked.  "Hold on a sec," he said to the poodle, brutally interrupting her story.

"No way.  Are you serious?  Are you even INTERESTED in what I have to say?" she said.

The doberman waited for the 49er's commentary to finish before he responded.  "Wait, so what was your story?" he asked in a dull tone.

"Ugh, that's it.  I'm out of here." said the poodle, promptly hopping off the couch and running out the door.

The doberman could barely process what happened before the other animals came rolling in, laughing hysterically.

"HAHAHAHA!  We all see where YOUR priorities lie!" guffawed the black cat, tripping over the bloodhound.
"Guess who's gettin nothin tonight!" yelled the red cat, rolling on the carpet in complete hysteria.
"You're totally hosed." said the bloodhound
"Yeah... I kinda messed that up didn't I?" muttered the doberman, sullen-faced with regret.

The red cat ran over to his dish and started voraciously eating cat food.  He looked back at the house pets with a mouthful of food.
"I'm think he was trying to achieve Seinfeld's Trifecta.  You know, the sports, sex, and food combination all rolled into one."
The black cat looked up.  "I'm pretty sure that's impossible to achieve, champ.  What female would ever consent to performing all three activities at the same time?" he said.
"Well, if she really loved him, she would do it.  Maybe for an anniversary?"
"Um, marriage doesn't count bro.  That's no-holds-barred territory.  Anything goes.  Besides, he wasn't eating or engaging in... the other activity.  He was only spooning."
"For now, spooning counts.  Next time she's over here, we'll sneak him a dog bone to gnaw on on the side.  He will be the first one of all of us to achieve the Trifecta."

"Haha that would be great," said the bloodhound, who was laying on the couch in his "spot," a perfect body indentation in the cushions that took months to mold.
"Have you been able to do it?" asked the red cat to the bloodhound.
"No, but I really want to," he replied.
"Just don't eat the Beef-A-Reeno." said the black cat smugly.

The house pets were all laying around the living room, lounging after an exhausting day of entertaining the family.  The black cat and the doberman were throwing a ball back and forth, while the red cat and the bloodhound were flipping through channels.  The parakeet was in his cage near the couch, engaged in activities that were a complete mystery to the other pets.  They were accustomed to it.

The black cat piped up.  "If anyone here will achieve the Trifecta, it will definitely be you," he said, pointing to the red cat.
"Why me?" he asked.
"Because you get around, mate.  You're always bringing other animals here, and somehow you've built up a reputation of being a 'nice guy' while everyone else thinks I'm a player."
"You just play too many mind games, dude.  And besides, I'm not as bad as you think I am."
"All of the crazy girls you've brought here are a complete testament against what you just said."
"What about the Siamese nut-job?  Remember her?" asked the bloodhound.
"Yeah, after breaking your heart she showed up here a month later pining for you!" yelled the doberman.
"Okay, maybe she was a mistake," replied the red cat, "but I am saddened by you guys' unfavorable opinion of my integrity."
"You have the integrity of a fart in the wind," said the black cat, "but that's why we love you."
The red cat laughed.  "I'm so lucky to have you guys."

At this point, the doberman wandered over to the birdcage, seeking consolation from his longtime parakeet friend.

"I really hope I didn't mess things up too bad," he mourned.
"I wouldn't worry about it," said the parakeet, "it's not like you were gonna marry her or anything."