Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The House Pet Chronicles, Part 3
It was late, but the living room was alive with commotion from the house pets. It was fall again, and things were starting to get a little colder outside, so the house pets found themselves inside longer every day. But they didn't mind, for the coming of fall meant the approach of coveted "sitting around time."
The animals were enjoying the company of a new addition to the group; the family had recently purchased a ferret by request of one of the daughters, and she loved him very much. She wasn't around too often, though, which made the ferret a bit sad, but he was always enlivened by his new friends.
At what seemed to be some unholy hour, the red cat stumbled in, looking a little beat.
"Holy fetch mate," said the black cat, "What happened to you? Did you get mugged?"
"Yeah, did you get raped or something?" inquired the bloodhound, sitting comfortably in his special indentation on the couch.
"Hmmm...," muttered the red cat. "I was at... the library."
"The library, or the library?" asked the black cat with a sneer.
"I think you know which," spat the red cat, already fed up with the conversation. The library was a reference to more carnal activities involving one of the opposite gender.
"You're always home late nowadays," said the ferret. "I guess if my woman was around I would do the same thing."
The black cat looked up. "Were. If your woman were around. Subjunctive mood bro."
"You know what, you're... you're really impossible you know that?" replied the ferret.
"Yeah enough with the whole subjunctive mood crap you dirty rat," sneered the red cat. "If I wasn't such a nice guy I would slap you silly!"
"Weren't!" yelled the black cat.
"Gaaahhhhhhh!" groaned the red cat, flopping on the couch.
The ferret, noticing his disheveled appearance, asked "You haven't... you know, knocked her up have you?"
"Heck no, bro," replied the red cat. "I may not have a lot of self control, but I do have more than that fetchin doberman ever did."
All the animals sighed and bowed their heads. A few months prior, the doberman impregnated his girlfriend, a poodle. The owners of the poodle insisted that the doberman stay with them, so he could be there with his offspring. When the family heard of this, they were angry, but consented to let their doberman go. They compensated by buying the ferret.
"It's alright," said the bloodhound. "That bum ate all of my food."
"We all suffered from his pilferage," said the red cat. "Now he can sponge off of that poodle."
All the animals laughed in unison. Their laughter was brought to an abrupt halt, however, when a pug trotted by into the kitchen. The family was temporarily looking after him for another family on vacation, but the house pets didn't take kindly to him.
"Man, that pug pisses me off," said the red cat. "All he does is eat smelly food and invite his weird girlfriends over all the time."
"And he keeps on using my dishes!" exclaimed the ferret.
"And he hogs the TV!!!" yelled the black cat, throwing his little paws into the air. "Before he came here, we had peace. We had serenity. And we had order. And now look we got! Complete and total douchebaggedry!!!"
"Nice word," muttered the bloodhound.
The house pets sat around, disgruntled. None made a sound until the pug left the kitchen, humming some strange tune to himself. The black cat rolled his eyes when he walked by.
"Well, at least we have each other," piped up the parakeet from his cage. "If it wasn't for you guys, I would totally hate living here."
The black cat hesitated, "Weren't..."
"SHUT UP!" they all yelled in unison.
Posted by Adam McNevin at 7:37 PM