Tuesday, May 15, 2012
The House Pet Chronicles, Part 2
A voice resonated from the television.
"...Boy, has it been interesting this season or what? I mean, so much has happened in football, I don't even know where to begin."
"First let's talk about this new 'Tebow Nation' phenomenon. What is goin on here? What is..."
"...Hey, you will not believe what happened to me today."
A female voice broke the glazed stare of the doberman. Slightly irritated by this interruption, he uttered a grunt in response. The voice came from a poodle, a particularly attractive one at that, with whom the doberman was currently spooning.
"Well, I was sunbathing in my backyard, the usual, when all of a sudden I was cat called by a weinerdog! I mean, who in their right mind..."
The doberman was immediately distracted by the television.
"...And what about those 49er's? Alex Smith is looking at a difficult season this year..."
The doberman was hooked. "Hold on a sec," he said to the poodle, brutally interrupting her story.
"No way. Are you serious? Are you even INTERESTED in what I have to say?" she said.
The doberman waited for the 49er's commentary to finish before he responded. "Wait, so what was your story?" he asked in a dull tone.
"Ugh, that's it. I'm out of here." said the poodle, promptly hopping off the couch and running out the door.
The doberman could barely process what happened before the other animals came rolling in, laughing hysterically.
"HAHAHAHA! We all see where YOUR priorities lie!" guffawed the black cat, tripping over the bloodhound.
"Guess who's gettin nothin tonight!" yelled the red cat, rolling on the carpet in complete hysteria.
"You're totally hosed." said the bloodhound
"Yeah... I kinda messed that up didn't I?" muttered the doberman, sullen-faced with regret.
The red cat ran over to his dish and started voraciously eating cat food. He looked back at the house pets with a mouthful of food.
"I'm think he was trying to achieve Seinfeld's Trifecta. You know, the sports, sex, and food combination all rolled into one."
The black cat looked up. "I'm pretty sure that's impossible to achieve, champ. What female would ever consent to performing all three activities at the same time?" he said.
"Well, if she really loved him, she would do it. Maybe for an anniversary?"
"Um, marriage doesn't count bro. That's no-holds-barred territory. Anything goes. Besides, he wasn't eating or engaging in... the other activity. He was only spooning."
"For now, spooning counts. Next time she's over here, we'll sneak him a dog bone to gnaw on on the side. He will be the first one of all of us to achieve the Trifecta."
"Haha that would be great," said the bloodhound, who was laying on the couch in his "spot," a perfect body indentation in the cushions that took months to mold.
"Have you been able to do it?" asked the red cat to the bloodhound.
"No, but I really want to," he replied.
"Just don't eat the Beef-A-Reeno." said the black cat smugly.
The house pets were all laying around the living room, lounging after an exhausting day of entertaining the family. The black cat and the doberman were throwing a ball back and forth, while the red cat and the bloodhound were flipping through channels. The parakeet was in his cage near the couch, engaged in activities that were a complete mystery to the other pets. They were accustomed to it.
The black cat piped up. "If anyone here will achieve the Trifecta, it will definitely be you," he said, pointing to the red cat.
"Why me?" he asked.
"Because you get around, mate. You're always bringing other animals here, and somehow you've built up a reputation of being a 'nice guy' while everyone else thinks I'm a player."
"You just play too many mind games, dude. And besides, I'm not as bad as you think I am."
"All of the crazy girls you've brought here are a complete testament against what you just said."
"What about the Siamese nut-job? Remember her?" asked the bloodhound.
"Yeah, after breaking your heart she showed up here a month later pining for you!" yelled the doberman.
"Okay, maybe she was a mistake," replied the red cat, "but I am saddened by you guys' unfavorable opinion of my integrity."
"You have the integrity of a fart in the wind," said the black cat, "but that's why we love you."
The red cat laughed. "I'm so lucky to have you guys."
At this point, the doberman wandered over to the birdcage, seeking consolation from his longtime parakeet friend.
"I really hope I didn't mess things up too bad," he mourned.
"I wouldn't worry about it," said the parakeet, "it's not like you were gonna marry her or anything."
Posted by Adam McNevin at 3:54 PM